What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 00:40
Would this be the day?
Comes on , in middle age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Especially a lifetime of it.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But, we were locked up after school.
Can a bride cheat on her groom at a wedding?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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I waited trembling.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I don,t even have a pension.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My life is so biszare .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I have no regrets .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I said to her
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
All the time i was locked up.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was scared of men, in general
I write beautiful poetry .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
It was going to be , some day.
Put me off passion for life!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So, i spoilt her more .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We were not on the streets..
What did i know ?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We all went to grammer schools
And i lived it daily.
He knew the spot.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was 9 years of age.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was in good health!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One cannot live in the past .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Ive learnt so much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She found it foreign!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was seconnd youngest,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Was to survive, this bastard.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She wouldn,t have been !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I think the readers, may guess!
So whats the point in blame.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
When she asked me how she looked .
I could never make a relationship work though!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it wasn’t much.
Im still living with it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She loved him until the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Who then, do I blame.?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was very sick at this time too.
I will be 64.
This is soul school!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My family never makes their pension either.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She married twice! .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!